Ten Days Puny
Ten days I have been puny. As in 103 spiked temperature, followed by a long slow decline. The fever was a reaction to medicine. I recovered, fully enough to enjoy a writing conference in the Kiln. But the next week I spent more time horizontal than upright. Low grade fever. Constant headache. Abdominal pain. I finally decided it was a kidney stone, but who knows, really. The point is, ten days puny, and I was circling the drain.
I did make Thumb Prayers for the Mississippi Episcopal Diocese General Convention, but that was fulfilling a commitment I’d made when I felt well. Also, I read this amazing translation of Beowulf by Maria Dahvana Headley, but the grim (but funny) story suited my mood. And I revised a novel that I had started offering y’all for free about five years ago then abandoned.
But I palmed off repairmen on Tom, slept through a meeting I would have normally attended, and could not force myself to care about any of it. In fact, the angst was so great, about 7/8 of the way through revising that novel, I decided I simply could not take it. No more than thirty pages from being finished, and I wanted to give up. Not that the writing was bad, the message off, or the structure wonky. The trashiness of what I was feeling had seeped into the story, and I wanted no more to do with it. In fact, I decided it was time to quit writing altogether. Quit trying to sell that Mississippi novel, blow off Mardi Gras, give up on everything.
Then I woke up with no pain.
The change was instantaneous. I went outside and saw the wind had disrupted my Mardi Gras display. “The wind blew away the cheeseburger,” I said, and laughed out loud. I decided right then that I had discovered a new diagnostic mechanism: if I couldn’t laugh at life, something was, in fact, wrong with me. I had thought my attitude was the result of the painful rejection of my novel. A feeling of failure in my writing career. The conviction I would never ascend to the exalted ranks of published novelist.
All true.
But, once I felt better, I guffawed at the cheeseburger.
Here’s the mystical part. Sunday night, I led the Contemplative Writing Group I’m a member of. I had prepared my spiel about not feeling well. I would get everyone started then beg off and let someone else facilitate the sharing. Instead, I wrote. I stayed with the group. I experienced the joy created by the writing prompt. It makes me wonder: do I have cause and effect mixed up? Not lack of pain, so I woke up happy. But happy, so I woke up with no pain. Did that writing experience heal whatever was flattening me like an anvil?
Or maybe I passed the kidney stone.
Whatever, let us rejoice. My ten days puny are over. Enjoy the Jimmy Buffett tribute below. Happy Mardi Gras!
Contemplative Writing, Contemplative Writing Practice, when you are sick, writing as medicine
Luanne
So happy you are feeling better, Ellen. What a long time to feel so sick. xo
Ellen Morris Prewitt
Thank you! I really thought, how much admiration it gives me for folks who have chronic pain? It took such a short time to drain me….
Mary Lowry
I would never have suspected you were not feeling well in the writing group. Either you bluffed well or I am not very observant. I had to go look up what a “mulligan” is and I still did not get the writing prompt. But I wrote about something very meaningful to me anyway. Thank you for showing up!
Ellen Morris Prewitt
I arrived with full intention of handing it off. But as we prepared, then sat, I thought, you don’t have to do that. I felt great by the time we finished. And that’s what I love about the writing group–you don’t have to get the prompt or do it “right” for it to lead you somewhere. It’s fun to have you there, and I loved your writing story from last week!
Joe Hawes
When I got to the place where you were ready to give up writing, I was worried. But I relaxed when went out to check on the cheeseburger out front. Glad you are back!
Ellen Morris Prewitt
Thank you for your support, Joe. It’s good to hear from you. If anything, this experience might indicate how non-resilient I am. That has always been true about my health–I crash easily. Perhaps my attitude as well.
Donna Weidner
Nice tribute…glad you’re feeling better.
Ellen Morris Prewitt
Donna, I’m never sure if my comments are posting on your blog, but I ordered your book! So excited, and I can’t wait to read it!
Joanne Corey
I’m sorry to hear that you were unwell, Ellen, and grateful to know that you are better. My own tendency is to think that your discouragement was the result of being unwell, not the other way around.
Dealing with chronic pain or illness is definitely daunting. I’ve marveled at some people I know who seem to be able to carry on through almost anything.
I’ve finally learned for myself, though, that I need to not push when I’m not feeling well. I’m better off trying to rest than making myself expend energy I don’t have to spare and making myself sick longer in the process.
Ellen Morris Prewitt
Well, I spoke (or “wrote”) too early. The pain returned today. We will keep trying to suss it out. Like you, rest has always been the ticket for me. As my kind Aunt Dean would say, “You have always needed your rest.” Thank you for your solicitousness and caring.
Joanne Corey
Today is actual Mardi Gras and I was just reading the comments of your newer post and hoping that you felt well enough to walk in your parade, whichever day that was. We are in London, so no beignets or parades. Not sure how the Ash Wednesday/Valentine’s Day combo is going to work out…
Ellen Morris Prewitt
I did! My sister was visiting, and we both walked yesterday (though she was initially concerned about me dressing her in costume 🙂 ). The Ash Wednesday/Valentine’s Day mashup was weird but par for the course after Bacchus, Super Bowl, Lundi Gras, Mardi Gras, Ash Wednesday, Valentine’s Day…
Joanne Corey
Hadn’t seen the name Lundi Gras before but it makes sense to have a Fat Monday, too. Can’t fit all that partying into one day! I do realize that Carnivale/Mardi Gras has long been a lengthier festival than just the day in places that celebrate them. I just have never lived in such a place 😉
Ellen Morris Prewitt
Yes, I kind of woke up Wednesday morning with a sign of relief that all that Mardi Gras business was over with! 🙂